Music

They make a history from angles make a motive from the space I have worn their explanations until they almost fit my shape Not enough light to be known not enough dark to be free Leave the edges unresolved leave the outline incomplete They say silence is an answer when the answer serves them well They take every door for leaving every bruise for something else Not enough light to be known not enough dark to be free Leave the edges unresolved leave the outline incomplete Stay until your eyes adjust Stay And let me remain what you actually might see Not enough light to be known not enough dark to be free Leave the edges unresolved leave the outline incomplete Stay until your eyes adjust Stay Stay until your eyes adjust Stay Stay With me

You came in with the engine still hot, ticking on the street below. Helmet put down like a full stop on a line you wouldn’t close. You were always a route on the map, every town another sign, somewhere for fuel, somewhere to sleep, then a heading down the line. I watched you read the room like a junction, working out which way you’d turn. You never learned to be somewhere that wanted you to return. I don't need you to be still. I won’t ever ask you to stall. I cleared out every wrong reason till there was no bad reason at all. Take the road, take the long way. Take whatever you need. No wrong reason to stay. No bad reason to leave. It’s easy to say, harder to do, hold out a hand and not close it. I have wanted to hide your keys from you. I was hoping you wouldn't notice. I rehearsed every line that might keep you, then swallowed them one by one. A yes I had to steal from you was a yes already gone. I don't need you to be still. I won’t ever ask you to stall. I cleared out every wrong reason till there was no bad reason at all. Take the road, take the long way. Take whatever you need. No wrong reason to stay. No bad reason to leave. So the door stays open, even with the wind coming through. I lie awake in the darkness, hearing engines that aren’t you. I don't need you to be still. I never asked you to stall. I cleared out every wrong reason till there was no bad reason at all. And if you turn off the freeway if you do come back to me, I'll give you no wrong reason to stay. No bad reason to leave. Ride it out. Ride it home. Ride it out. Ride it home. No wrong reason to stay. No bad reason to leave.

You used to stand in the doorway with your coat on, keys in hand, always halfway to the hallway, never saying what you planned. Now you leave your coat behind you. Now you sit without a view of the door or the exits. Somebody got through. She learned your edges, you learned a familiar shape. There's a mirror in the corner it won't return your face only something almost tender learning how to take its place. You've been looking at it longer, like it got the angle wrong. Maybe that's just who you are now. You've been changing all along. She learned your edges, you learned a familiar shape. Now you laugh before you mean to. You don't rehearse your escape. Now you leave the porch light burning when you know that she is late. You would swear you haven't changed much. Maybe some of that is true. But you learned the shape of someone and it changed the shape of you. Not every door is an exit, some lead to where you stay. You're standing in your own hallway wond'ring how you got this way. She learned your edges, you learned a familiar shape. And you're softer than you were, and you're stronger than you were afraid.

You liked me better as a rumour, something portable and thin, a photograph with half the edges and the rest already filled in. You called silence good behaviour, you called success something owed, you mistook a quiet woman for a woman you controlled. I'm still here. Still mine. Still difficult to frame. You can smooth the edges over. I don't come out the same. I know what the bruises measure, I know what they do not mean, they don't make me yours for touching, they don't make the story clean. There are things I won't make useful, there are things I won't forgive. I don't need to call it courage just because I chose to live. I'm still here. Still mine. Still difficult to frame. Go on. Fill the edges in. I don't come out the same. Don't make it beautiful. Don't make it brave. Don't tell me what it taught me. Don't tell me what it gave. You wanted your ending. I'm still in the fucking frame. I'm still here. Still mine. Still difficult to frame. Keep your clean conclusion. I still answer to my name.

Eleventh floor keeps a cellist Who always rides alone She waits until the lobby empties Then takes the lift back home She has never given reasons I’ve never asked for more They wrote a book about her once I’ve never read past the war And if you ask me what she’s like I couldn’t say Twelve comes home at four His tie loose at the throat He says goodnight and knows my name Because it’s written on my coat Every second Thursday A woman comes in late She signs in as his sister I know her by the date And if you ask me who she is I couldn’t say Seven won an award last spring She carried it home in a bag Set it on the desk beside the phone Like something she meant to give back She stood beneath the lobby clock In that dress, at half past two Cried for about a minute Then picked it up. “Goodnight. Thank you.” And if you ask me what she won I couldn’t say Top floor never comes down His driver brings a list Bread, the good soap, nothing frozen Black coffee, cigarettes Nineteen years behind this desk I’ve never seen his face I know the weight of what he orders And know he’s still in place And if you ask me, is he living? I couldn’t say Nobody asks the desk a question That the desk was meant to hear They bring a story through the doors And ask if it happened here And I have all of it. The lot. Every small, ridiculous thing I could sell it by the afternoon I could open my mouth and sing But I’ve kept it nineteen years Like a coat I never wear Nobody has ever asked me What it costs to leave it there And if they did If they did ask I couldn’t say I couldn’t say

Second body Find the mark Turn towards the light I taught her where to stand How to give them almost everything How to turn her better side How to make a wound look flattering She learned my measured pauses She learned which words to lose She wore my mouth through interviews And billed me for the use One signs the contract One carries the weight One arrives smiling One leaves through the gate She knows when to sound grateful She knows which grief will sell She can make a clean confession Of a thing I'd never tell When the camera moves towards her She never turns her face I watch her take the fall for me Then stand and take the praise If they never see the join They will call the image true Second body, take my name I'll keep back what they can't use Second body, take the mark Give them movement, give them dark Make the impact look like flight Make the wrong face read as right Cut. She came back wearing damage I could neither place nor claim She had learned to move without me She had learned to want the name Now she stands where I was standing Now I answer when they call I no longer know which body Was supposed to take the fall She signs the contract I carry the weight She arrives smiling I leave through the gate One takes the picture One carries the bruise One gives them meaning One has nothing left to lose Second body, miss the mark Let them see the cut between us Let the moment look like impact Let the bruise refuse its meaning If they finally see the join They may call the image false Second body, give my name back Which one? One for the picture One for the pain Cut between us Start again

They've got the photograph again The one outside the theatre door My hair across my face like smoke Your hand in the frame, of course They like me best before I learned What every open mouth would cost They call it honest, call it raw They mean they liked me at a loss The light had barely touched me The shape had not appeared You caught the latent image Then fixed it before it cleared You keep me twenty-three Trapped inside what the picture knew I smiled because I was hurting And smiling was all I could do Keep the grain and keep the shadow Keep the version that got through But don't come asking me to stay Twenty-three for you Every question starts with back then Every answer's cut for time They ask me when I broke the band As if the breaking was all mine You wore your damage beautifully I wore mine where it wouldn't show They printed what would sell that year And let the living woman go The light had barely touched me The shape had not appeared You caught the latent image Then fixed it before it cleared You keep me twenty-three Trapped inside what the picture knew I smiled because I was hurting And smiling was all I could do Keep the grain and keep the shadow Keep the version that got through But don't come asking me to stay Twenty-three for you There are records past that photograph And years beyond your reach These hands learned other music This voice learned what to keep Do not use her as your witness For the damage done to you I have brought her safely with me She owes nothing more to you You kept her twenty-three Pinned inside what the picture knew She smiled because she was hurting She did what she had to do Keep the grain and keep the shadow Keep the version that got through But don't come asking either of us To stay twenty-three for you The light had barely touched me Nothing had yet come through I won't stay Twenty-three for you

There was rain in the picture a body crossing frame I knew the shape of leaving before I knew your name The city kept its distance in windows, glass and rain you moved through the reflection and changed the air between Velocity I thought it meant leaving I thought it meant gone Then your hand found mine and the road carried on Velocity We wore the names they gave us because they let us through private, useful, temporary almost close enough to true I let the distance hold us until the distance lied you were already with me when they kept you outside Velocity I thought it meant leaving I thought it meant gone Then your hand found mine and the road carried on Velocity There are ways to disappear without moving at all There are ways to be found without being caught There are roads that only open when there’s nothing left to prove I was never standing still I was moving into you Velocity I thought it meant leaving I thought it meant gone Now the city falls behind us and the road carries on Velocity Come back Come back Come back Come back Come back Come back To me